★ 1 / 10
House Shark, not the worst Sharksploitation movie ever
Alex
House Shark, not the worst Sharksploitation movie ever, also not the best. First of all why is everyone named after presidents? Could they not come up with…
House Shark, not the worst Sharksploitation movie ever, also not the best. First of all why is everyone named after presidents? Could they not come up with names?? Trey isn't a bad actor, he's probably the best one in the movie besides the damn shark!
The cinematography is pretty boring but they couldn't do much else there I guess. The story is also weird as shit like why would they wanna sell the house? Someone died in that house, bastards! And speaking of the damn shark where is he? He's barely in the movie besides the end! I mean it's probably for the best, he woulda looked like shit anyway if he wasn't just a puppet thing.
The Zachary guy's accent makes me mad why is it so half assed sometimes and others it's not even in use??? Darth Squanto??? Why is this Abraham guy suddenly in it? Why is his accent and mannerisms so weird too? And why the golden shower??? And why the hell does the female shark costume have an apron?!? Shoutout to the Mysterio reference, even tho this is before Far From Home. The shark plopping on the ground asleep and the way it gets up is kinda funny as shit.
The dialogue is so shitty too it's all cringe Jaws references or bad accents. The worst is that bar scene with Zachary. This Abraham guy must be on something I swear he's barely lucid this whole movie! I mean he thinks a praying mantis is the sharks natural enemy. And the Star Wars thing was so bad too. Stock video explosions smh. Ugh I need to watch a good movie to wash the taste of this outta my mouth.
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★ 4 / 10
Ridiculously talky for a movie called "House Shark"
selfdestructo
I had to pause this movie with about 12 minutes left til the end, and I honestly didn't think I could finish it. I purposely combed through the closing credits…
I had to pause this movie with about 12 minutes left til the end, and I honestly didn't think I could finish it. I purposely combed through the closing credits to see if there was an editor, because I didn't believe there was one. Surprise, surprise, writer/director Ron Bonk also edited his own movie. I would say, only he would leave in all the unnecessary dialogue, subplots that go nowhere, dead air, abandoned characters, and utter nonsense. House Shark runs nearly 2 hours! Is there a good movie in here somewhere? Probably not. I'm giving it 4 stars because on a few occasions, I either laughed out loud or said "that was pretty good." 3 laughs in 2 hours? It starts off promisingly enough, with full-frontal nudity and an outrageously gory shark attack. As a matter of fact, after a certain amount of time, I thought this movie hired exclusively slutty actresses. No way, the bulk of this film gives way to a sausage fest.I understand this filmmaker wanted to populate his movie with OTT characters, to be as campy as possible. Problem is, they're *SO* OTT, I couldn't understand them half the time! My expectations were certainly dashed. From the title, the concept, the zero-budget creative nature, the exploitative nature, the indie nature, the front and back cover, and what you would normally expect from a film like this. So, it's possible I'm being unfair. But it did not deliver on any of those levels.
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People seem to not understand these types of films. They are bad, really bad. Doubt right terrible. That is from a film making perspective. From a entertaining load of nocense it is enjoyable.