Back in the early 80's, many Christian communities felt that the only way to get nonbelievers to commit to the faith was to scare them with "the truth." Hence comes "Years of the Beast," a marvelous ode to scare tactics, right up there with Hell Houses and reparative therapy. For those who both are easily persuaded and already believe that everything in the Bible, no matter how obviously symbolic or metaphorical, is meant to be taken literally, this movie will affirm your beliefs. For those who take a rational approach to reading the Bible, you will get so many laughs.

And now, a guide to surviving "Years of the Beast."

1. Apparently, all the people of color get picked up in the rapture. There was one Black person in a baptismal scene, but he got raptured out of the plot after a couple of seconds. There was talk about the Chinese, but they are so sneaky, you never actually see them.

2. There are no Christians living in the cities, and no one with the potential to be saved who lives in the cities, so a firestorm can clear out most of the sinners. If you really loved Jesus, you would have gone out to the country and lived on a farm.

3. Women are lousy runners, bad planners, and great cooks. Fortunately, the men drive most of the action and make the important decisions.

4. Actually, all White people are bad runners, especially in the forest. Fortunately, they are also great marksmen.

5. There is not a single moment of suspense that cannot be underscored with an overbearing orchestra and accented with a crash cymbal.

6. When survivors of the rapture get killed after converting to Christianity, they go to heaven. Yes, they could surrender to the authorities, get killed, and get to heaven faster, but that would cut the movie in half.

7. The best way to massacre meager handfuls of unarmed, (marginally) nonviolent Christians is with WWII-era tanks and fighter planes.

P.S. Great drinking game: Every time you hear a crash cymbal, take a shot. You won't remember seeing the movie afterwards, but it'll get you drunk.