The Machine

2023

Action / Comedy

41
Rotten Tomatoes Critics - Rotten 31% · 26 reviews
Rotten Tomatoes Audience - Upright 86% · 500 ratings
IMDb Rating 5.7/10 10 18327 18.3K

one man army nickname the machineeeeeeeee

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Plot summary

Bert Kreischer faces a familial crisis and the arrival of his estranged father when the ghost of his booze-soaked past arrives: a murderous mobster hellbent on kidnapping Bert back to the motherland to atone for his crimes. Together, he and his father must retrace the steps of his younger self in the midst of a war between a sociopathic crime family while they attempt to find common ground.

Director

Peter Atencio Photo
Peter Atencio

Top cast

Mark Hamill Photo
Mark Hamill as Albert
Martyn Ford Photo
Martyn Ford as Sponge
Rita Bernard-Shaw Photo
Rita Bernard-Shaw as Ashley
Bert Kreischer Photo
Bert Kreischer as Bert
720p.BLU 1080p.BLU 720p.WEB 1080p.WEB 1080p.WEB.x265 2160p.WEB.x265
1.01 GB
1280*536
English 2.0
R
Subtitles us  fr  de  it  
23.976 fps
1 hr 52 min
Seeds 3
2.07 GB
1920*804
English 5.1
R
Subtitles us  fr  de  it  
23.976 fps
1 hr 52 min
Seeds 4
1.01 GB
1280*534
English 2.0
R
Subtitles us  fr  de  it  
23.976 fps
1 hr 52 min
Seeds 7
2.07 GB
1920*800
English 5.1
R
Subtitles us  fr  de  it  
23.976 fps
1 hr 52 min
Seeds 15
1.88 GB
1920*800
English 5.1
R
Subtitles us  fr  de  it  
23.976 fps
1 hr 52 min
Seeds 3
5.01 GB
3840*1600
English 5.1
R
Subtitles us  fr  de  it  
23.976 fps
1 hr 52 min
Seeds 7

Movie Reviews

Reviewed by CinemaSerf 5 / 10

Nope, this just wasn't for me. We start

Nope, this just wasn't for me. We start off watching a pretty unfunny stand up routine from "Bert" (Bert Kreischer) that pretty quickly has an old Russian gent shooting at his telly! So far, I'm in accord with him. Turns out, though, that he's not just annoyed at the act, but that 20-odd years ago this comic robbed him on a train of a family artefact. Bent on retrieving this, he despatches daughter "Irina" (Iva Babic) to track him down and either reclaim his property or bring him to Russia for an unique sort of revenge. Meantime, "Bert" is going through the usual family crises, that have his therapist reaching for the shotgun, when his estranged father "Albert" (Mark Hamill) shows up for his granddaughter's sixteenth birthday. Lots of teenage histrionics see him actually rescued by his European visitors who whisk both of them off for some adventures reliving his earlier tour (as Jimmy Tatro now) drinking and snorting his way around Moscow and becoming the legend that is "The Machine". (Apparently he was going for something more macho, but got the words wrong). Retracing his steps, his train journey etc., we get the gist quickly of the old him being a bit of a thoughtless tit and... By this point I really couldn't care. It's riddled with poor acting and ageing stereotypes that just aren't funny. What was Mark Hamill thinking? Vodka swilling whilst using cocaine straight off a sweaty hooker's back might have been entertaining in the 1980s, but Kreischer just hasn't the skill to hold this together while Babic does her best to exude the menace of Cate Blanchett (India Jones circa 2008), and Tatro just looks like the long lost Jonas brother who has watched a bit too much "Bill & Ted'. People in the cinema did laugh, so it can't have been all bad - but for me this was just puerile and at times almost excruciating to sit through for the almost two hours of my life that I won't get back.
Reviewed by Louisa Moore - Screen Zealots

Happy surprises that come out of left field

Happy surprises that come out of left field are sometimes the best, especially when it comes to low-concept comedies. I went in to the awful looking “The Machine” with below-zero expectations, but came out absolutely charmed by just about everything in the movie. Nothing about this film should’ve worked and it definitely shouldn’t have ended up being as entertaining as it actually is, but here is one of those rare success stories where a little movie plays to its strengths and comes out on top. Stand-up comedian Bert Kreischer rose to fame by recounting his drunken college exploits as The Machine, a nickname he was given as a result of his (supposedly true) experience with Russian mobsters in the early 1990s. Director Peter Atencio decided to make a movie based on Kreischer’s comedy act, adding a bit of fiction and action to the mix. The film takes place over 20 years after his original trip to Russia, and Bert (Kreischer) is now married with a family of his own. It’s his eldest daughter’s Sweet 16, and two unwelcome guests crash the party: his estranged father Albert (Mark Hamill) and tough as nails Russian mobster Irina (Iva Babic). Irina kidnaps the two men and takes them back to her country so Bert can atone for his acts against her powerful crime family, which included robbing a train and stealing a family heirloom. Together, the trio retrace the steps that the younger Bert (Jimmy Tatro) took all those years ago. It’s actually a good story foundation for building a solid comedy, and the quick-witted verbal jokes and physical gags are equally funny. I laughed throughout this movie, and I can’t remember one single zinger that didn’t work. Kreischer may not be the most talented actor around, but his years working as a stand-up comic have given him a casual stage presence that translates well to the screen. He’s a likeable everyman, and he, Hamill, and Babic have a great chemistry. Tatro is equally delightful as the younger version of Bert, a goofy and drunk college kid who does a whole lot of stupid things. Some of the action bits are too corny, but that’s one of the few things I can criticize. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen a comedy where I find myself quoting lines weeks afterward, but “The Machine” is so funny that I could see many of the one-liners becoming permanent residents in my movie vocabulary archive. This boisterous film isn’t for everyone, but those who want to laugh and have a good time at the theater should absolutely give this one a look. By: Louisa Moore
Reviewed by apitchko 5 / 10

It's allright...

Full disclosure, I am russian. Bert is very funny guy and he should stick to comedy. His machine routine was funny enough but it didn't translate well to movie. His story actual story is quite dark, and it goes through very bad time in Russia, but he makes a good humor story of this mess in his standup. Where he makes a funny standup, the movie falls well short of his act. Romanian setting with western actors speaking horrible, bearly understandible Russian, with even worse translation; was the funniest part of the movie for me. Over the top caricature characters can only take movie so far, it needs a good script.
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