★ 4 / 10
OK. Man flu - that's my only excuse
CinemaSerf
OK. Man flu - that's my only excuse. Stuck in bed feeling like death warmed up, I thought this looked a bit like "Conan" and as mindless fun was in order I…
OK. Man flu - that's my only excuse. Stuck in bed feeling like death warmed up, I thought this looked a bit like "Conan" and as mindless fun was in order I gave it a go. Well, it's certainly a bit like "Conan" and a bit like countless other films as we see the eponymous hero (Rick Hill - surely a porn name?) sent on a quest. He must retrieve a sword from a witch and then challenge the evil sorcerer "Munkar" (Bernhard Erhard) for possession of a chalice and an amulet that give him astonishing powers. Only when he has all three can he destroy them and bring peace to the Kingdom. What now ensues is actually quite fun. No, not good - not even nearly good, but he parades around in his leather trousers whilst director James Sbardellati waves scantily clad female warriors, dancers and mud wrestlers in his face. Needless to say his leather clothing has been super glued to his body, but the girls - well they might as well be wearing crepe paper. Anyway, there isn't the slightest degree of jeopardy here as our hero slowly, but surely, earns the right to win the "Big Tournament" (think Wimbledon with a mace and chain). "Munkar" belongs in a Hammer/"Carry-On" film, exuding all the menace of a butterfly and the acting, well that is universally as bad as the writing. It does have the benefit of being mercifully quite short, but really - I can't wait for the sequel!
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★ 4 / 10
One boobie, two boobies, four boobies, six boobies, eight...
Vomitron_G
Woosh ! Man What can I say...?The opening-scene, maybe? We see a bunch of mongoloid-barbarians with bad make-up jump off the walls of some ruins. They sneak…
Woosh
! Man
What can I say...?The opening-scene, maybe? We see a bunch of mongoloid-barbarians with bad make-up jump off the walls of some ruins. They sneak around and attack some dude with a scantily clothed captive girl. The dude runs off, the mongoloids follow him and one of them stays behind seemingly to rape the girl, but instead he exposes one of her breasts and kidnaps her. Then, the dude (still on the run) sees a horse and tries to steal it. Suddenly
a blond god-like looking hero with a bad wig appears, saying "That's my horse!". The Mighty Deathstalker just made his appearance. The mongoloids arrive, Deathstalker kills all of them (including the dude) on the tunes of some rather inappropriate Mexicanos western score (this is supposed to be a Swords & Sorcery flick, so what's with the 'arriba-trompettos'?), and then goes up to Captive Girl and exposes both her breasts. He starts to rub them and Captive Girl seems to like it. She starts liking her lips and caressing Deathstalker. Just when they are about to get down to it, this old dude appears, interrupting what could have been the end of a perfect day for Deathstalker (and a possible perfect ending for a short-film).Now tell me
Isn't that the point where either a feminist would angrily switch off the movie, or any other male viewer would say "This is going to be one hell of a good movie!" The plot is as simple as throwing a kitten from the balcony: Deathstalker must obtain the Sword of Justice and use it to steal the Amulet of Life and the Chalice of Magic from the evil sorcerer Munkar.Aside from decapitations, dismemberment, random bloodshed, retarded fist fights and embarrassing sword fights, this film also contains a massive amount of t!ts & a$$ shots. I initially wanted to add one extra point to this movie for each gratuitous shot of naked boobies I could count. After 9 points (not even halfway into the movie), I had to give up counting. It was distracting me from the rest of the movie. And the rest of the movie was worth it. Totally crazy stuff. Check out this mutant cat/worm-like creature Munkar has as a pet and which he feeds eyeballs and fingers. And here's an interesting question: What would you do if a man in a woman's body would enter your bedroom and try to kill you with a knife? The answer is simple: You slap him around a bit, take away the knife and then try to rape him. Then you discover that he's actually not a woman, so you throw him out of your bed and tell him to leave your room. It works out well, I tell you. Deathstalker does it too, and the Deathstalker-way, is the right way!DEATHSTALKER is a wonderful movie, really, as pointed out in other comments. The villains are vile. The women are delicious. There's blood, sex, violence, rape and tasty chicken. There's a completely pointless tournament which just features a bunch of barbarians beating, slashing and hacking the crap out of each other. My favorite weapon used in that tournament was a giant wooden hammer, used to beat a poor contender to bloody pulp. And my favorite contender undoubtedly was that one brute with the Warthog-head (reminiscent of the Gamorrean Guards from RETURN OF THE JEDI). I won't reveal how the movie ends, but just prepare to ravish in delight when I tell you a 4-way dismemberment is thrown into the movie's climax.And of course, there's a wonderful display of ineptitude throughout the whole movie. See a guy being dragged behind a horse over a dirt road, and the next point-of-view shot shows him being dragged over grass (no road). See that awesome tattoo on the sorcerer's head magically change sides within the same scene (on shot has it on the left side of his head, the other on the right). Well, after all, Munkar is a magician. It's that, or this movie was shot in an alternate universe where things like "continuity" simply don't exist.As much as I enjoyed this and as much as I am looking forward to the other 3 installments in this series, I do have enough shreds of decency left in me to not let this movie pass. I am prepared, though, to give it the maximum amount of minimal points, just so I could be able to deduct a couple of more points for the possibly inferior sequels to follow. DEATHSTALKER might be a superbly fun, trashy & sleazy CONAN rip-off, it also is an abominable movie.
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4.6/10
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I'm coming for you, and Deathstalker II!